They Got A Pepper Bar
by Confushi Sushi
Summary: SG-1 must make contact with a new race. Response to OS challenge.


Title: They Got a Pepper Bar  
  
Author: Confushi Sushi  
  
Email: confushi_sushi@hotmail.com  
  
Season: 7  
  
Category: Humor  
  
Pairings: none  
  
Rating/Warnings: PG (probably just G, but in case)  
  
Summary: SG-1 must make contact with a new race. Response to OS challenge.  
  
Disclaimers: Don't own any of it. Just taking them out to play and will return them eventually in near new condition.  
  
~This is a response to the Spongemonkey challenge~  
  
I would really like someone to write a fic that involves SG-1 meeting the Quiznos Rat/Guinea Pig things (which are actually the Furlings). The entire Goa'uld hierarchy must be wiped out somehow.... It is up to you on the way how they get wiped out, but make it funny...  
  
*  
  
"What is going on?" Thor demanded.  
  
"The Goa'uld System Lords have banded together. They plan to strike against us. With Anubis' technology gleaned from his ascension we will be unable to hold them back." The Asgard pilot responded.  
  
"Then we have no choice. We must contact them."  
  
"But Thor! Must WE really contact THEM?" the pilot asked with trepidation.  
  
"You're right. There is a reason all of our ships have the preprogrammed away messages. I believe our allies of Earth will be able to offer their assistance in this matter." This response seemed to appease the pilot.  
  
*  
  
SG-1 waited in the Gate Room as the chevrons systematically locked on the huge ring. They were scheduled for a mission to P6X 922 for a standard recon.  
  
"Chevron 7 locked." The technician's voice was drowned out as the vortex spewed forth from the ring before being sucked back into the tranquil center. Colonel Jack O'Neill looked up into the Control Room, seeking the figure of the General who stood there.  
  
"SG-1, you have a..." Jack suddenly found himself looking up at a dark ceiling, not the Control Room. Having not been the first time this has happened; he soon recognized the surroundings. An Asgard mothership.  
  
"Hello?" he called out, looking for his host.  
  
"Greetings, O'Neill." Thor said as he teleported in behind Jack. The Colonel jumped back in shock at the surprise entrance.  
  
"Thor! Buddy! Chum!" the alien simply looked at him with clouded eyes, craning his neck slightly. "What's up?"  
  
"There is an urgent matter. We must ask your people for assistance."  
  
"Um, for what?" Jack was curious as to what the Asgard either couldn't or wouldn't do.  
  
"The System Lords have decided to rally together to destroy the Asgard threat to them. As you are aware with our ongoing struggle with the Replicators, our supplies to wage war with the Goa'uld are severely overtaxed. This, as well as the technology that Anubis has gained from his ascension, is disastrous. If the Goa'uld commit a full assault on our positions we will be unable to stop them." Thor stated gravely.  
  
"Not to sound insensitive or anything, but what do you want us to do about it?" he couldn't see how they could offer any meaningful assistance. It was a bad situation; if the Asgard fell then Earth would no longer have any protection against an attack from the System Lords, and Earth was definitely high on their annoyance list. But, what could they possibly do about it that their allies couldn't do better?  
  
"There is a race who would be able to defeat the Goa'uld." Thor informed O'Neill.  
  
"Well, that's great. Go ahead and give them a call." What did they need Earth for in this?  
  
Thor actually looked uncomfortable, shifting slightly on his slender legs. "A representative must go in person, and, um, we don't have anyone available for such a venture."  
  
Did Thor just say um? Jack had never known any of the Asgard he had ever spoken with to hesitate. If he knew any better, he would think that Thor wasn't telling him everything.  
  
"So, you want us to go and talk to them." Jack stated.  
  
"That is correct."  
  
"Well, before we can say yes or anything... are they friendly?" something wasn't quite right here, and Jack wanted to know what it was.  
  
"No harm will come to anyone who goes to visit them." Ok, that sounded truthful and straightforward.  
  
"Who is "them"?"  
  
"They are the Furlings."  
  
"Oh. Heard of them." Jack quipped. They were allied with the Asgard already, so why hadn't they helped out with matters before now?  
  
"They are a very... friendly race." Thor paused as he searched for the proper word to describe them with.  
  
"Friendly?" Jack gave Thor a puzzled look. Definitely didn't like the way he just said that.  
  
"Yes. I shall return you with the coordinates to their homeworld. O'Neill, I must warn you... their appearance may be a bit unsettling."  
  
"Um, ok, are you sure you're telling me..." Jack suddenly found himself standing in the Gate Room, several SF's staring at him oddly, "everything?"  
  
*  
  
"So Thor wants us to contact these Furlings?" General Hammond asked Jack as he and the rest of SG-1 sat at the briefing room table.  
  
"Yes, sir. By the sounds of things the Asgard will be royally screwed if we don't do this." Jack decided not to mention his niggling concerns, because he wasn't sure what to make of them himself.  
  
"If the Asgard are to fall in this Galaxy, then the Tau'ri would be soon to follow." Teal'c intoned.  
  
"Well, then I don't see how we could refuse. SG-1 you will be ready to leave in 30 minutes. Dismissed." With that the team went to gear up, save Jack who still had his equipment from their previous attempt to leave.  
  
In the Gate Room, they waited for the Stargate to dial up the Furling homeworld.  
  
"So, sir, what did Thor say about the Furlings?" Major Samantha Carter asked.  
  
"A friendly bunch." Jack replied in an overly bright and cheery tone. "Friendly, and ugly by the sounds. Friendly and ugly."  
  
"That's not much to go on." Daniel said, adjusting his hat.  
  
"Nope." Jack agreed. As the wormhole formed yet again that day, the MALP trundled up the ramp. It disappeared into the event horizon with a wet slurp.  
  
"Receiving MALP telemetry." The technician in the Control Room stated after a few seconds. "The area is clear, sir."  
  
"We'll expect you back in 24 hours. You have a go." Hammond called down from the Control Room. He watched as the team stepped through the 'gate with the same slurp as the probe had just moments ago.  
  
*  
  
On the other side, the team was greeted by a thick jungle. A path led out from the Stargate, laid stone and trimmed back foliage revealing that the area was maintained. The road curved, preventing them from looking down it any significant length.  
  
"Follow the yellow brick road." Jack sing-songed.  
  
"The bricks are in fact green, O'Neill." Teal'c responded.  
  
"Of course, T. What was I thinking?" he replied gravely as he motioned for them to begin their trek.  
  
The jungle remained mostly quiet as they walked through, only the occasional call from a bird or some other animal broke up the sound of military-issued boots clicking on the deep green bricks of the pathway. It was a long and winding road, but in no way unpleasant. The sun shone brightly, but the canopy prevented the rays from being oppressive.  
  
Without warning the jungle simply stopped. The road continued down a gentle slope into a large valley. A multitude of odd buildings were scattered about the clearing; some of them looked insanely small, probably dwellings, while others were ostentatious in their size. All of them were made of some sort of iridescent silver material that shone brightly in the sun. There were no corners, everything was either domed or gently tapered.  
  
"Amazing." Daniel breathed. Sam simply nodded in agreement, both of their minds running through the possibilities of this place in respect to their chosen fields.  
  
"Is it just me, or are some of those really... tiny." Jack mused.  
  
"Many of the dwellings do appear to be of a diminutive stature." Teal'c agreed.  
  
After a few more moments of wonder at the scene before them, they continued down the path into the heart of the buildings below. Even as they closed in on the outskirts they found no one around to begin a dialogue with. They did, however, see just how diminutive some of the buildings really were. The small buildings were slightly taller than the height of a human, and a little shorter in width. Simple domes with doors that looked about big enough for a dog.  
  
"Should we knock?" Jack inquired.  
  
"Um, I don't know. It could be taken the wrong way... assuming anyone's home to begin with." Daniel replied, not sure how certain cultural norms might translate.  
  
"Assuming that this is a home." Sam added. Jack seemed to ponder the idea for a moment before crouching down and tapping his knuckles on the door, which felt and sounded like plastic.  
  
"Hello?" he called to accompany his knock. "Anybody home?"  
  
A sound of claws on stone caused Teal'c to turn about sharply, priming his staff weapon as he did so. When he managed to get around to where the sound had come from whatever had made it was gone.  
  
"What is it, Teal'c?" Sam asked.  
  
"I heard something behind us, but it is now gone."  
  
She scanned the area around the nearby buildings for any sign of what Teal'c had heard. "Wait, what's that?" Sam pointed at a tiny sliver of white fluff poking from around the end of one of the buildings.  
  
"I am uncertain." Teal'c replied, slowly moving forward with his weapon leading the way. Jack and Daniel looked on with interest, prepared to offer assistance should it be required.  
  
Teal'c slowly circled around, more and more fluff becoming visible as he went. Soon the creature, or at least its back, became visible. It was a rat, there was no other description of what cowered behind the building; at least he assumed that it was cowering.  
  
"Do not be frightened, we mean you know harm." Teal'c stated. It looked about the right size for the small dwellings around him, so he figured it was a safe assumption that this was a Furling.  
  
The creature simply turned around then and even Teal'c couldn't suppress a slight shudder. A rat would have been far more appealing than what stood before them. One eye seemed to dominate the head, far outsizing its lesser counterpart. Its head didn't taper off to form a snout like the rodent it had resembled, but rather a large mouth took up the space that the eyeballs had left. When it smiled it only became worse. The thing's teeth were pointing in all directions and came in all shapes and sizes.  
  
Unsettling certainly didn't cover it, Jack thought as he tried to hold something resembling a diplomatic face. Ugly didn't either.  
  
"Um, hello. I'm Daniel Jackson, this is Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, and Teal'c." Daniel greeted, receiving a thankful glance from Jack.  
  
"Welcome to Quiznos." The Furling greeted, its voice high, scratchy, and grating. It was all Jack could do not to cover his ears.  
  
"Who are you?" Daniel asked.  
  
"They-Are-Warm-Because-They-Toast-Them." It responded.  
  
Silence ensued for several moments.  
  
"Well, They-Are-... you're a Furling right?" Jack trailed off.  
  
"I am."  
  
"Daniel." He prompted for the archaeologist to continue.  
  
"Um, right. We are here on behalf of Earth and the Asgard." Daniel began.  
  
"The Asgard. They haven't responded to our calls in many, many cycles. Any- Coupon-Works has tried many times and cannot get through. All we get is a message that says 'All of our radio operators are busy, please disconnect and try your call again later'." They-Are-Warm-Because-They-Toast-Them responded.  
  
"We don't know anything about that." The linguist replied cautiously. "We come here on an urgent matter."  
  
"I am not the one to be proposing anything too. Please, come with me to the Government Building and I will call the Council to assemble." The creature led them to the largest building, easily 200 feet tall and domed just like the dwellings. The small Furling led them through a long hall where other Furlings were scampering about on some business or other. The dimensions of this building easily fit their larger size, and would have been able to hold creatures of even larger stature. The Furlings ranged from snow-white, like their guide was, to a middle-toned brown. All of them had the same disturbing features as the one they followed.  
  
Finally they came to a large, circular chamber. There were no seats or furniture of any kind, simply an open room with nothing to detract from the silvery shine of the walls. They-Are-Warm-Because-They-Toast-Them bid them wait and exited through the door.  
  
They waited for several minutes before the door opened again and 6 Furlings, including their guide, entered. The 5 Council members made their way to the other side of the room where they arranged themselves on barely visible niches in the floor.  
  
"Welcome, travelers, the Council bids you greetings to Quiznos." The one in the middle did something akin to a small bow as he spoke, his lightly tanned fur reflecting the diffused light coming from no particular source in the ceiling. "This is Any-Coupon-Works, They-Are-Tasty, They-Are- Crunchy, Eat-Quiznos-Subs, and I am They-Got-A-Pepper-Bar. They-Are-Warm- Because-They-Toast-Them has already told us your callings, so further greetings are not necessary."  
  
The team was stupefied. The names were decidedly... odd, sounding more like advertisements than salutations.  
  
"Um, thank you. We are glad that you could convene so quickly." Daniel responded, assuming his role as intermediary.  
  
"As it always is on Quiznos. You say you are here on behalf of your planet and the Asgard, no? For what reason?" They-Got-A-Pepper-Bar queried.  
  
"You know the Gould, right?" Jack jumped in.  
  
They all nodded and Any-Coupon-Works responded. "Of course, a disreputable lot."  
  
"Right. Well, they are threatening to beat the Asgard, so we need some help."  
  
"That is not possible. The Asgard are far more advanced than the Goa'uld." They-Are-Tasty countered.  
  
"Not anymore. One of them figured out how to ascend, and now he's back with some Ancient goodies."  
  
"Intolerable!" Eat-Quiznos-Subs shouted.  
  
"That's exactly what we thought." Jack agreed.  
  
"We cannot allow this." They-Got-A-Pepper-Bar stated.  
  
"So will you help us?" Daniel asked.  
  
"I do not see how we could not." They-Are-Crunchy replied. "But, come, you must join us tonight in celebration of our new friendship."  
  
"We'd be honored." Daniel replied. It wasn't like they could refuse.  
  
*  
  
They-Are-Warm-Because-They-Toast-Them gave the team a tour of the city, though many of the buildings were inaccessible to the Humans. Like the meeting room that they had spoken with the Council members in, all of the buildings they went to were very Spartan with practically no furnishings to speak of, and no signs of technology save the buildings themselves.  
  
"Where's your technology?" Sam finally asked. "If you are really as advanced as we are led to believe, then why don't we see it incorporated into your life?"  
  
"It is." He walked up to a nearby house and waved his hand near the wall. A console appeared on the smooth surface. The small Furling pressed several keys and suddenly the team found themselves in the middle of an open field, Furlings gathering for the festivities.  
  
"What, no flash of light? Space age beaming sound?" Jack wondered.  
  
"We do not find such effects necessary. Now come, the sun is setting and the festivities are beginning."  
  
Fires began to spring up around the clearing as the sun continued its descent. Smaller Furlings that they guessed were children ran around the clearing yelling in their native language. That was even more disturbing than hearing them speak English, without the actual words to distract them they could only focus on the grating sound of their voices.  
  
Then the Furlings began singing. Accompanied by tiny... well they looked like guitars when Jack got close and really studied them, and, if he tilted his head just so and had something to dull his senses, they kind of sounded like guitars too. They were also wearing hats, which only added to the discomfort of the situation: Mariachi Rats. The look, on top of the scratchy voices doing anything but keeping a tune, was very awkward. Trying to hide grimaces, Teal'c holding his head even straighter than usual, SG-1 made their rounds.  
  
"How long do we have to stay here?" Jack whispered to Daniel, making sure that their hosts couldn't hear.  
  
"I don't know. A little while at least." Daniel responded, making it apparent that he too couldn't survive the screeching noises surrounding them for very long, much less the whole night.  
  
"Well, the sooner, the better." Sam concluded.  
  
"Indeed." Teal'c added.  
  
They walked around the fires, trying to stay as far away from the main commotion as etiquette would allow. Almost an hour had gone by and the music had neither become more tolerable or died down in the slightest. Daniel was about to see if he could excuse them from further proceedings when one of the Furlings, they couldn't tell who it was because basically they all looked alike, approached them.  
  
"Please, come with me." It requested. They followed it to the biggest bonfire where They-Got-A-Pepper-Bar was swaying to the tune.  
  
"You find our music to be... uncomfortable." He stated.  
  
"No, no. It's very... exotic." Jack lied.  
  
"You do not need to hide it. We understand that not all creatures were built to enjoy such sounds. I simply wish to speak with you for a few moments, then you can return to the city to rest yourselves before returning to the Stargate."  
  
"Ok, we can do that. Speak away."  
  
"We will assist you with the Goa'uld. Do not worry, the threat to your people and all others will be dealt with." They-Got-A-Pepper-Bar told them simply.  
  
"Just like that?" Sam asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Not to sound unappreciative, but, how?"  
  
"We prefer peace, but our people is not without heart. The System Lords will suffer for their indiscretions. Had we known that the Asgard could not deal with the threat we would have done so ourselves long ago." Before anyone could respond, they found themselves inside one of the larger buildings in an ample sized room. 4 beds stood against the curved walls.  
  
"Anyone else kind of unsettled that we've basically been sent to bed?" Daniel asked after studying the room for a few moments, sitting down on top of one of the beds. He rubbed his palms against the soft red sheets.  
  
"Well, don't see what we can really do about it. Even though everything looks on the up and up here, we're still going to keep watch. Carter, you go first, I'll take second, Teal'c third, and Danny you get last."  
  
*  
  
Nothing happened during the night and the next day SG-1 was sent off to the Stargate. They returned to the SGC and were greeted by General Hammond at the bottom of the ramp.  
  
"Welcome back, SG-1. How did the mission go?" he greeted as they made their way down the ramp.  
  
"Swimmingly, sir." Jack responded.  
  
"The Furlings said that they didn't know that things had gotten so out of hand or they would have intervened sooner." Daniel added.  
  
"And are they really capable of making that big a difference?" Hammond asked.  
  
"If what they and the Asgard told us is right, sir, then yes." Sam informed him.  
  
*  
  
The System Lords, along with Anubis, sat around a circular table in the neutral space station. Each Goa'uld had their Lotar waiting behind their chairs, filling drinks and performing other menial tasks while the group convened.  
  
"We should destroy the Asgard now. They can no longer dictate to us what we can do!" Baal began.  
  
"All shall come in good time. We have other matters to attend to first." Anubis replied calmly.  
  
"Such as?"  
  
"Such as who should rule all of the Goa'uld." At Anubis' statement all of the other System Lords stood up and began shouting indignantly over one another at his audacity.  
  
Anubis began to raise his hand, in which he had a special ribbon device he could actually wear that was hidden beneath his robes, but the sudden appearance of several creatures on the table froze his actions. It also caused the other System Lords to silence and look on with utter surprise.  
  
"Your actions are intolerable." One of the Furlings admonished.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" Anubis demanded.  
  
"We shall not allow you to go unchecked any longer. By order of They-Got-A- Pepper-Bar and the Furling High Council, you are sentenced to Urupai." Anubis began to raise his hand again; intent upon teaching these mutated creatures before him some respect, or simply kill them, but the Furlings acted first. They pulled out tiny spray cans from seemingly nowhere and shot the peppery solution into the eyes of the assembled System Lords. One of them, instead of pepper spray, had a tazer and shot the charged ends out at Anubis. The electric charge incapacitated him much like the pepper spray had the other Goa'uld.  
  
The Goa'uld were then transported within the Furling ship into a closed room. Classic Furling music was pumped into the room: high, grating voices reverberating off of the walls. The Goa'uld raised their hands to their ears, though it did nothing to block out the noise. It wasn't long before their demands for the noise to cease turned into passionate pleas.  
  
The ship slowly trundled towards the Furling homeworld.  
  
*End  
  
Urupai: Ancient punishment first performed on the Yesseld when they stole the Premier's Taco Salad. When it was learned that the Yesseld's physiology literally couldn't survive the nuances of Furling music, they were forced to listen to it for extended periods of time, though never long enough to actually kill. The sentence is carried out for life. Due to Furling isolation this has not been employed for several millennia. 


End file.
